People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”
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deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring
There should be a job like: divorce doula. I’ll help you find a lawyer, convince you that you’re enough, take you out for drinks, let you vent & cry during that hard 18 months, eventually convince you that a $70 sex toy can replace anyone. Start to finish divorce support.
[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”
It’s happened
I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room
Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻♀️
Never had a gay thought in my life but when Daniel Craig jumps onto the back of the train & adjusts his cuff I now kind of get it.
Someone: describe your sex life in two words.
Me: my what?
Jesus: remember disciples, everything the light touches is god’s kingdom
Judas: um, isn’t that from the Lion King?
Jesus: *glares at Judas*
I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.
NO MATTER HOW MANY ALIENS BIT SCULLY SHE STUCK TO HER GUNS LIKE “NO THESE ARE SCIENCE BITES”. KINDA GOTTA RESPECT THAT.
im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat
“were u & mommy wrestling naked last night?”
haha no honey ur mom & i were just playing
*pulls wife aside* DID U TELL HER ABOUT FIGHT CLUB?
The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.
My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.
I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.
Interviewer: Why do you think you’d make a good waiter?
Me: (says nothing)
Interviewer: are you…waiting?
Me: *nods*
Interviewer: holy shit
The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.
When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me
[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
The heaviest things in the world:
4) iron
3) lead
2) tungsten
1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up
*pronounces bondage like corsage.
Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty
*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*
Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.
Stormtrooper 1: You ever think that maybe we’re with the bad guys?
Stormtrooper 2: Nah, lets just head back to the Death St… to the ship.
DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL