When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
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My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth
Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker
My sons kidnappers: if u ever want to see your son alive, press 1. Para Español marque dos
Me: ugh i just want to speak to a real person
He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.
Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
You make a compelling argument, Morty.
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”
– 11yo, not wrong
Me: Sorry, I pretended I was driving through a tunnel and couldn’t hear you when you started talking all romantic and shit.
Him: I was sitting right beside you. I think we need to talk about this.
M: keuuuuugh…shssssssh…weeeeeee
H: Still right beside you.
me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice
Nothing’s labeled clearly, I was promised tea & never got any, the criminal justice system is barbaric.
~ Alice’s Yelp review of Wonderland
Experts say we may be as little as two days away from finally leaving the March Age. The next epoch is provisionally being called “April,” and is also expected to last 5-10 million years.
[before electricity was invented]
ME: [presses hand dryer]
GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]
me: this is my cousin, carlos
wife: nice to meet you
carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto
me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind
Tried to sneakily put my 5-year-old to bed an hour early because I was exhausted, figuring I could get away with it because it was cloudy and dark outside. Little dude looked me dead in the eye and, “Alexa, what time is it?”
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore
Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word
It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.
Me: Son, there is only one thing to fear in life. Fear itself!
Son: What about those meetings where you all have to say your name and a bit about yourself?
Me:
Son:
Me: There are only 2 things to fear
If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
4: Did you just shower?? Your hair looks so pretty!
Me: Awwww, thank y—
4: It looks like a bug
Me:
We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.
OTHER BOY: why are we all here anyway
ME: I think it’s for the milkshakes
LACTOSE INTOLERANT BOY IN THE YARD: oh no