What if “my anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun” was just Sir Mix-a-Lot saying that his pet snake is a picky eater and prefers bunnies.
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If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
[to serial killer]
WAIT! If you kill me, you’ll never know how my erotic vampire fan fiction turns out!
*killing intensifies*
Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace
Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
when someone rings the doorbell
The Seven Deadly Sins:
1. Envy
2. Gluttony
3. Greed
4. Lust
5. Pride
6. Calling Lego ‘Legos’
7. Wrath
I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.
Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.
Skipping rocks with 11 at the lake thinking how great it is she’s not looking at a screen when she says, “This is fun, do you think there’s an app for this?”
Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?
Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]
I don’t take a list. I let Costco tell me what I need.
[birthday shopping for Wife at Tiffany]
Me: diamond bracelet?
Clerk: $10,000
Me: cubic zirconia?
Clerk: $5,000
Me: glass?
Clerk: $2,000
Me: beaded plastic?
Clerk: $1,000
[later]
Wife: [opening present] is-is this a friendship bracelet?
Me: I made it myself : )
Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.
No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
Seeing a woman drinking, smoking, and gambling while in her wedding dress makes me realize I need to up my multi-tasking game.
I made a robot to help me argue on the internet
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for long but *gets down on one knee* Will you marry me?
Priest: Actually I’m here to marry you AND your fiancé now get up people are staring
Me: how was your day?
3yo: goob
Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?
I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue
Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m
This documentary says Barbie has had over 300 illustrious careers. And only one boyfriend.
You can just call me Opposite Barbie.
I just had a customer shout at me OVER THE SOUND OF THE FIRE ALARM that it didn’t sound “right” so they “legally” didn’t have to leave
Just once i want to meet this mythical “always right” customer I BEG
“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”
Buying a bag of spinach is ignoring it for four days and then having to put 2 fistfuls into everything to use it before it goes bad
if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me
While assembling new desks at my kids’ school this afternoon another dad gave me unsolicited instructions on how to use an allen wrench. I’m not sure if I should be insulted that he thinks I’m an idiot or flattered that he thinks I can afford real furniture.
Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.