I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.
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I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.
“Put that down, Alan! I told you those are for company.”
Me: Do you have assorted cheeses?
Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus?
Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus?
Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!
ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon
Me: love it
ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon
Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes
ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon
Me: that’s an amer-
ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon
Me: goddammit
For some reason, whenever anyone in my house gets a Lush bath bomb we all stand ceremoniously around the tub and quietly watch it dissolve. Today, a minute into colourful bubbling, my 11yo turns to me and whispers, “what the hell are we doing?”
Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”
🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
and now a text from my mom:
are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried
my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .
The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now
[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.
*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*
hubs: why the makeup?
me: we’re cooking dinner together.
him: and…
me: and, I want to look nice when the police arrive.
You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know
I don’t want to sound alarmist, but EEEEOOOO EEEEOOOO ANK ANK ANK ANK WOO-OOP WOO-OOP WOO-OOP
A flock of dads is called a grill.
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot
It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.
Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.
Thinking about that time I used a pic of katy perry as my avi and a dude got so mad that I wasn’t actually katy perry that he called me a catfish and blocked me. Wonder how he’s doing now
“Actually, you couldn’t get a dinosaur to do that, and a sundial wristwatch would be extremely impractical.” – me in the Flintstones writers room about to get fired.
My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.
If they tweet about you, establish dominance by retweeting them.
*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so
The glockness monster
If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.
In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.
When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.