Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.
Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.
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my first day as a raccoon
Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone
Star Wars VII: the force awakens
Star Wars VIII: the force goes out to play
Star Wars IX: goodnight force
Tweet thief [secretly the Backstreet Boys] 🎶am I original?
– Naaah –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I the only one
– LOL NO –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I SEXUAL
*Awkward silence*
I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.
*bark*
“What’s that Lassie?”
*bark bark*
“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”
*bark*
“Ooh, dinnertime.”
gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”
I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.
[ark]
SHEM:It’s full
NOAH:Full?
SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space
NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
them: how are you
you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal
my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin
That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.
“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
Had a trial where I awkwardly held my briefcase the entire time then finally put it down at the end.
Judge, “Don’t.”
Me, “I rest my case.”
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
Shit: bowel movement
Sh t: vowel movement
i
She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.
Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead
Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
Always get worried when I see a “thieves operate here” sign. Who is letting thieves do surgery?
Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?
“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd
Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.
Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras