gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”
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I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”
Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.
Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
Sponch
Jesus: *holding bread*
This is my body.
*holding wine*
This is my blood.
*holding a meeting* This could have been an email.
[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.
I secretly replaced my husbands coffee with the empty toilet paper roll he left in the bathroom. Let’s see if he notices.
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy
[meeting her parents]
ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?
Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
My son said he doesn’t plan on returning home from college until Thanksgiving so we’re turning his bedroom into a Spirit Halloween.
[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it
It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.
Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.
[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer
Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”
(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)
Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.
Gin and tonic is weird, sometimes I need a lime wedge and sometimes I need to tell everyone what’s on my mind and then pass out.
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.
Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
in ratatouille 2 we find out that the secret to remy’s talent was a flea named jacques who lived on his head and controlled him by tugging at his individual hairs
Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.
Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep
Gay guys don’t listen to girls talk either, but we do have the good sense to say “I know, right?!” while we wait for our turn to talk.
me: wHaT iS It DocToR
dr: you have a disease that makes you mock people
me: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
dr: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS