Mr. Darcy: “You have bewitched me, body and soul.”
Wicked Witch of the West: “That’s kinda what I do. Now please dismount the monkey.”
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Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive
March 23: Trump pretends to drive big-rig. House bill falls apart.
July 17: Trump pretends to drive firetruck. Senate bill falls apart.
My 16-year-old wants to know how old he needs to be before I remove the window-lock safety feature on the car. My 21-year-old says she’d love to know too.
According to math, I’m broke
My wife: “I’ll be ready in a second. I just have to get the kids dressed.”
Me: “OK.”
*takes a nap*
*reads four books*
*builds a pyramid*
[the seventh day]
God: *walks in wearing bangs*
Angel: maybe you should rest
[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good
“Why the hell wooden I be?”
– Pinocchio
“A beast, you say. Have you tried stabbing it? I see. And your knives, are they steely? Hm. I’ll send someone up right away, sir.”
[about to invent toaster]
i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread
ME: What are you in for?
CELLMATE: Money laundering.
ME: *lights a cig and takes a long drag* Always check your pockets before washing your clothes.
It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.
Once again, I have waited till the very last minute to do Christmas shopping. Today I shall battle my fellow procrastinators at the mall. “Here are some socks and underwear kids. I had to shank a woman For these”
Astronaut: I never loved you
Me: how could you say that?
Astronaut: it’s the truth
Me: no I mean like, sound doesn’t travel in a vacuum
me: i’m doing well
webmd: you may want to sit down
Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.
doctor: how’s the weight loss plan going?
me: i’m doing my best
doctor: are….you drinking a glass of ranch?
me: best doesn’t mean good
*comes into work with a sore throat*
*licks everyone’s face*
If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?
Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?
Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON
Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying…
There are two rules in life:
1. Never tell anyone everything.
I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*Loses job, girlfriend leaves me, disowned by parents, 1 Like*
He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.
Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human
(before ceiling fans were invented)
*People getting their legs cut off by floor fans*
Narrator: There has to be a better way…