To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
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I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule
i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice
Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.
My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.
My husband asked if I wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride but there’s just something about a flame & a wicker basket that makes me want to say no.
when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good
I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.
Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.
My 8yo had his hair styled nicely this morning so I asked what he put in it to look so good……and he said it was oil from the pan I roasted broccoli in last night.
You really can’t make this stuff up.
bro: she stressing u out g??
me:
I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up
Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”
I’ve literally never clicked copied and pasted text and thought, “I’m so glad it kept the formatting and font from the other document.”
If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach
The definition of insanity is me trying to dance like 80s Madonna when I couldn’t dance like 80s Madonna in the 80s.
gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction
So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.
My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.
“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”
Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?
Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.
if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it’s the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
No matter which town/city in America you go to, there is one guarantee, and that is the locals absolutely roasting you for pronouncing the name of their town exactly how it is f***ing spelled
Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow
Relationship status: Invented an imaginary GF, but she just wanted to be ‘friends’ and slept with my dad. Typical.
The sole purpose of a potato masher is to prevent you from opening a drawer.
I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie
Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.
i’m all for human rights and shit, but if you’re on a tour in a factory and decide to wander off, it should be legal for the floor workers to hunt you for sport
How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?