At the grocery store and forgot my wife’s list, but no worries I’m sure there’s another dad here that I can copy off of.
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me: i will have the chicken parmesan
waiter: actually the kitchen has run out of parmesan—i’m very sorry, sir
me: no parm, no fowl
me: i feel terrible
my doctor who is also a cat: have you been sprinting around the house at 2am and yelling for no reason?
me: uh, not really
my doctor who is also a cat: [scribbling in my chart] hmm yeah that’s not good
Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.
Until you realize you live alone.
Each year more people die in bathtub accidents than plane accidents, but any idiot thinking they can fly a bathtub deserves what they get.
Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason
There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.
Leading causes of cancer:
1. Smoking
2. Aging
3. Radiation
4. Diet
5. WebMD
We don’t know what’s in the vaccine. Could be anything. Microchips? Sure. Toxins? Maybe. Predatory birds? Definitely. This is all a plot to fill us full of falcons because the CDC is in the pocket of Big Talon.
3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.
Guess what!
Some blacks don’t like whites, some whites don’t like blacks!
And nobody likes Mexicans!
Big deal! Who cares!
On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.
Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.
I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
I hate when people say “ the bug is more scare of you than you are of it”. DID THE BUG TELL YOU THAT ?!
[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?
[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]
PSA: If you’re going to order Doordash at your paramour’s house don’t use the account linked to your Wife’s phone. When she gets notification the driver is on the way, you can bet she’s ALSO on her way. She’ll follow that map all the way to you. And record it all for Court.
Everyone in “Star Wars”.
Everyone in “The Muppets”.
Everyone in “Game of Thrones”.This is now the first tweet with over 140 characters.
Y’all wanna hear something funny?
Lol me too
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.
{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!
If I was in charge of SWAT I’d change the name to the “Special Weapons And Grenades” team just so police would have to radio in for SWAG
Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life
6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?
Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–
6: –Oh, were you there?!
Me:
My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….
Flirting is easy!
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.