Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you
Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance
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I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.
CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?
For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
billionaire: we’re all in this together
everyone: you lost money too?
billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer
“Why did you leave your last job?”
-I had a typo in a tweet.
“Mistakes happen!”
-I worked for Yahoo Finance.
“Thanks for coming in. Bye”
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [scanning menu] what page are u on
Girls be like “I love you” and then instead of ghosting you and going fishing with the guys, they spend the rest of their lives with you. Be careful out there
Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
someone reached out to my manager not too long ago, asking to confirm a rumor that jason momoa and i were dating. my manager said “absolutely not” hahahha i was like damn! at least meet me half way and just say we did “over the clothes stuff”
Nepal: “just like awkwardly stack two triangles to make our flag”
All the other countries have rectangles
“TWO TRIANGLES”
Alright ok fine
Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.
Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.
4, crawling into bed with me at 3am: mommy? i had a nightmare
me: me too. what was yours?
4: ghosts were chasing me. what was yours?
me: that I didn’t have kids and I could get a full night’s sleep
4: you know nightmares aren’t real?
me: yeah, I do
Little Red: I’m going to grandmas
Mom: wait I didnt finish teaching u the difference between human and wolf anatomy
Little Red: when would I ever need to know that?
Mom: lmao ya ur right. have fun
*brings coconut cake to a knife fight
Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!
When I’m trying to walk around in my house: Tripping over shoes nonstop because kids leave them everywhere
When I’m trying to get kids out of the house: No shoes to be found, a barren shoeless desert, a tumbleweed rolls by
When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”
“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis
*uneasily answers phone
‘Guess who?’
David?
‘No’
John?
‘No’
Mike?
‘No’
Steve?
‘No, I made you very happy the other night’
Haagen Daz?
‘NO’
Pizza Hut?
me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck
craps dealer: no soup at the table
me: salt rim please.
barista: what.
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you
If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”
How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.