The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
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hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
Why does a billionaire need a Bat signal? He is in a cave. How does he even see the signal? Why won’t you just text him?
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
friend: how’s the amazon job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
Eulogies are just goth stand-up.
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
The reason God calls all of us his children is so he can claim us all as dependents.
well, that freaky sound coming from the basement was just the pipes going wonky
of course, I didn’t have a basement this morning, so that’s a whole different problem
My 13-year-old was quietly giggling as I opened my phone, and I realized he had changed the settings so the text is significantly bigger. Not sure if I’m more annoyed that he took a jab at me for being old, or that I can actually see a lot better now.
[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]
FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
me: I’d wait a lifetime for you
also me: 5 seconds till I can skip the add ? that’s some bullshit right there
I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
Googled my symptoms and it turns out it’s just 2022.
Banana boats are powered by bananas. Everyone knows this.
Me: I want to buy this chicken
Farmer: Ok. Gonna take him home and eat him?
*imagines self fighting crime with new chicken buddy*
Me: Yes
Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.
I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.
“Mom, I hate the word, ‘Hemorrhoid’. It’s like a weird planet. Hi,I’m Hemorroidian! Or oh no! A hemorrhoid is headed 4 Earth!” -my 12yr old
Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’
Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’
Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.
Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.
my husband has been taking sailing lessons and instead of putting it on our calendar like a normal person he prefers to stand up abruptly, stare out the window, and proclaim “I must go to the sea!”