I mean, technically aren’t we all “foodies”? I’ve never met anyone who’s like “nothing for me waiter, I’ll just photosynthesize”.
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When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings
When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.
*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them
There’s a whole world of people out there!
*closes the door*
Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.
Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks
Cellmate: what did you do?
Me: robbed a bank.
Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?
Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.
When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
If the couch is barking, you’re sitting on the dog.
church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-
[the ghostbusters barge in]
church choir, nervously: -oooats
[ghostbusters slowly back out]
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: I can’t wait to see my wife again
PIRATE: Land Ho!
FIRST MATE: Now look, that’s a little rude
Having watched me rewire a plug, the kids are looking at me with a renewed sense of wonder.
I think they’re mostly wondering how I managed to make the whole house explode like that.
8: in this game I play as a goose and I have to annoy everyone, run off with things when people need them and leave a mess wherever I go!
Me: wow, I literally cannot imagine what that would be like.
“And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon….Little boy blue and the man on the moon”
…Drugs in the 70’s must’ve been AWESOME!
There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t
They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.
Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.
This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.
As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: can I buy a noun
The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?
Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.
Man: *shaking collection tin* please sir, for alcoholics
Me: *taking the tin* wow, that’sh sho kind, thankshh!
“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches
I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.
ME: Sorry boss, I can’t make it in today. Because of Ebola.
BOSS: You have Ebola?
ME: No but someone does and I am FREAKING THE HELL OUT