My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks
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My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too
I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate
As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
[car dealership]
WIFE: let me do the talking, ur a terrible negotiator
SALESMAN: u can drive off with this car for 18k
ME: we’ll double that
Spider-cat: No One Home
The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.
There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.
no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…
My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
IF YOUR GIRLFRIEND ASKS IF YOU WOULD STILL LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM, JUST SAY YES. SHE WILL NEVER BE A WORM. YOU WILL NEVER ACTUALLY HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT. BUT YOU WILL HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE GIRLFRIEND WHO THINKS YOU WOULDN’T LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM AND SHE IS MAD
King’s men: sorry your highness…we couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again
King (drunk af): let the horses try
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 🤷
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
Drive thru window one: “Can I have a name for your order?”
Me: “Free.”
Drive thru window two: “I have an order for Free.”
Me: “Thanks!”
*drives away quickly*
My 4-year-old’s questions while watching me put on makeup for 3 minutes:
-Why is your face melting?
-Why do you make your face look evil?
-Why are you biting your eyeballs with those scissors?
Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.
Husband: You should do the Calm app.
Me: You should do the STFU app.
The real monsters are the people who hand you money with the bills not all facing in the same direction.
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
Hey Walmart, don’t be pissed at me for not scanning everything
you literally gave me zero training before promoting me to cashier.
Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers
Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
Noam Chomsky is a crazy name like you sound hungry as f***
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE