Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
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[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
I’m so hungry I could eat an apple
My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”
I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
Me: Ok to empty the dishwasher I need to clear things away from the dish rack and before I do that I need to clear space in the drawer and before that…
~later~
My wife: Why are you on the roof painting the chimney?
Me: So I can empty the dishwasher.
What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer
I’m not a dietitian, but if you eat pizza right at midnight your body doesn’t know if the calories go towards yesterday or today so they don’t count
I work like this:
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
I WILL PUNCH A HORSE FOR HIS FEED BAG AND EAT YOUR BABY FOR DESSERT.
Too full.
Her: I can’t do this anymore, you need to grow up
Me: *sticking my head out of the window of my Thundercats themed Tree House* Where’s this coming from?
True?
Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.
I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
According to the price for a graduation cake from Baskin, son is either getting a cake or college, not both.
if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall
shit just got real
Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone
OF COURSE IT’S A GENUINE BEETHOVEN! Look at those brush strokes, the stunning use of colour.
9yo: What can I have for lunch?
Me: What do you want?
9yo: What are my options?
Me: You literally eat 5 things.
A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.
So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea
Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.
it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey
[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many
On a phone appointment with my doctor and may have answered the “Are you currently sexually active?” question with “I’M TRYING, OKAY?”
“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner
HITMAN: Who’s the target?
ME: [slides photo across table]
HITMAN: You..want me to kill Shrek?
ME: Not Shrek [taps photo] his talkative horse
Mario:
– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscapeBe like Mario.