got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there
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Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??
somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.
Me [pitching a book idea]: It’s a create your own adventure book. But instead of an adventure you are actually making choices which will determine what you should have for dinner. Fights over dinner will be eliminated.
Him: So all paths lead to ordering pizza?
Me: Obviously.
Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING
Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.
[before electricity was invented]
ME: [presses hand dryer]
GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]
My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I’m rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.
That awkward moment in the confessional when the priest says “Thanks for that mate. I’m actually the cleaner. Wait til the lads hear this!”.
Me: *Goes outside to take out the trash only wearing underwear.
(Because 6 ft high privacy fence, goddamnit).
Neighbour: *on ladder* “Hi!”We need to move
Kids are fun if you enjoy saying things like, “read the room,” only to have someone start reading literally everything there is to read in said room, out loud.
Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”
they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
work smarter, not harder
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
The secret to sustaining a happy marriage is to keep the mystery alive. So tonight I decided to clean something unexpectedly.
Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.
The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”
My kids love when I tell them the story of how I became the hide and seek champion. The year was 1995, and I was playing hide and seek with my dad. I went outside and got on the roof. He couldn’t find me. After an hour of looking for me, he called the cops. Yeah… I got spanked.
What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.
DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]
DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?
DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]
[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.