Overheard my daughter’s friend on FaceTime telling her Dad to please stop singing because he’s embarrassing her so obviously I did what any Dad would do and finished the chorus for him.
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Come on down to my kid’s restaurant.
Dinner specials include a half-eaten jam sandwich stuck to a couch, some other kid’s water bottle that has dirt in it, and a cheese string that has been in a warm pocket all day. Reservations encouraged.
so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.
This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?
He’s cranky this morning
Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.
They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.
So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.
Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce
i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.
Waiter: Sorry, sir. I’ll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.
My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.
She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.
Some random lady took down our outside decorations because “Halloween is over,” and now I want to invite her inside because Dinner is over, and I don’t want to clean up from dinner any more than I wanted to clean up after Halloween.
“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.
I look at her.
I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.
Guy: who was that?
Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote
Guy: uh huh. How’d he get your number?
If I was a police sketch artist I wouldn’t listen to the victim. I’d draw a majestic gay dragon then flip it over and be all, “Is this him.”
Me: *giving myself a little pep-talk to remind myself I’m doing my best*
Everyone Behind Me on the Fire Escape: *not really super supportive*
Doctor: Can you stick to a clear liquid diet for a few days?
Me: Sure! Vodka is a clear liquid.
This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
2022 will be better than 2021
I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.
the original name for the ps5 was pspspspsps but it kept attracting cats
Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.
become ungovernable
Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience
What’sApp
Me: Mom, what’s for dinner?
Mom : typing …*gets married*
*have kids*
*gets old*
*dies*
*goes to hell*Mom: Fish, honey!
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion