THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.
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cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer
me: were they favorable
Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.
It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.
judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing
Getting my 6yo from a playdate today:
6: “Bye! Thank you! You need to wash your hair!”
Friend’s mom (laughing): “I do?”
6: “Yeah, it’s black near your head!”
Friend’s mom (still laughing, thank god): “Oh honey, those are just my roots.”
Me, dying 1,000 deaths: “Time to go!”
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?
I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.
“Welcome to Fight Club,” said the man with the rock hard abs. I looked around, clutching my kite, becoming worried.
sleep researchers agree that it may sound fun to set a favorite song as your wakeup alarm, but it will quickly make you hate the song. That’s why the scientific consensus is for everyone to use Drops Of Jupiter instead
[Sesame Street casting]
Director: We need role models for the kids
“There’s a grouch and a cookie addict”
Director: Anything else?
“Two jobless roommates”
Director: First of all I love it
y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker
*Tries to start the wave at a funeral
Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”
Grocery store
Me: reach something for me?
Tall guy: sure thing!
Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.
What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?
One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….
(husband picking me up at the airport): what’s for dinner?
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon
Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.
So many things changing daily.
For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.
Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.
ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent
You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.
Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.
Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber
WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?
ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back
Bird: Good morning! How are you?
Me: Oh my God! You can talk!
Bird *tapping his Bluetooth ear piece*: I missed what you said, some jackass is shouting at me.