Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣
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If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.
Hubs: You can play outside for 5 more minutes as long as you don’t throw a tantrum when I tell you to come in.
6yo: I might not throw a tantrum. Or I might throw a little tantrum. I don’t know. We’ll see.
Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.
Was going to do some writing on the porch but there’s a woman across the street lambasting her bf for cheating.
So now I’m just going to sit on the porch.
does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa
Star Wars? Nope
Never had any interest in watching something that starred a woman whose hair made her look like one of my dad’s tractors.
Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.
HIPSTER COP: I pulled you over because of the volume
ME: *turns down stereo* Sorry
HC: Not that. What products do you use in your hair?
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
WE ARE AT THE PARK. BUT THE HUMAN SAYS IT’S TIME TO LEAVE. WHICH DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. BECAUSE THEY CAN’T CATCH ME
If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy
Starbucks coffee is disgusting. First of all it tastes like soap, second of all u have to get it from dispensers in the BATHROOM????
Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that
If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.
“Hot damn!” – the Nazi’s probably after their dams were destroyed.
I don’t know; I’m not a historian. It’s just an educated guess.
I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one
[using ouija board]
R2…L2….L1….R2…LEFT…DOWN…
“what the hell?”
[everyone is suddenly carrying like 8 different guns]
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 living in the year 2021looking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.
If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it
HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.
[calling front desk]
ME: Hey can y’all wash these sheets for me
CONCIERGE: Uh oh something naughty?
ME: [thinking about how I made myself into a blanket burrito with real beans] yah
Me: ‘Can I offer you something to drink?’
Waiter: ‘I’m sorry?’
Me: ‘I know, it’s weird right? Now you try.’
Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”
[Interview]
Him: Your resume just says you can have Friday afternoons off.
Me: Sounds great. I’ll take it.
me: got any weekend plans?
me: gonna get chubby
me: yah me too