Me: Why do you have that I thought I threw it away. Where did you get it?
4: I taked it out of the trash can.
Me: *eye twitches*
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running feels great unless you compare it to not running
I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.
More Origins
Ant Man: bit by a radioactive ant
Daredevil: bit a radioactive devil (on a dare)
Captain America: bit by a radioactive america
When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage
me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd
my kids: what’s a cd?
me: *dies of old age*
Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.
If Satan isn’t real then why am I in a group text with my family
Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.
Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute
No matter how bad a day I’m having at work at least there’s no point during which I have to run 1 mile for a grade right after eating then change back into my clothes and resume work.
My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
hate sitting down at my favorite diner and having the waitress i’ve known for 15 years come to pour me coffee but i notice that her usually steady hand is shaking, tipping me off to a hostage situation that i will be forced to resolve with a combination of guile and violence
My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
Wife: please don’t
I look her in the eyes, kiss her delicately and shake my head
Me: somethings are worth fighting for
I slowly stand, catch my breath for a few seconds and start walking towards the buffet bar for the 10th time
My 4 year old daughter found a set of handcuffs in the bedroom. How the hell she found them I don’t know. She asked me why they were there. I said they were for when Daddy had been naughty he had to wear them. She repeated this to her Grandparents. Absolutely mortified.
My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.
I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.
[Watching “Alien” with my son]
Son: You can let go of my hand, dad. I’m not scared
Me: *shaking* Just a few more minutes, please.
“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.
Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.
Me: Sweet.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.
Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams
Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop
You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.
Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack
Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs
Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome
Sometimes I look at my kids and marvel at how brilliant they are, other times my 5 year old puts on a clean shirt without taking the dirty one off first.
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.