thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing
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Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.
Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.
The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.
Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
If you love someone, let them go. If they don’t come back, detonate the explosive collar.
My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
Watching A Quiet Place and being reminded of all those times I’ve got home drunk trying to be as quiet as possible……I’d be dead in the first 30 seconds of this movie.
Told my Mom I wanted to put googley eyes on random things in the grocery store and she told me to wear latex gloves so my fingerprints won’t end up at the scene of a crime so yes I am afraid of her.
I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.
“Pop star, Justin Bieber, was charged with DUI, driving with an expired license and resisting arrest.”
Britney Spears whispers,
“Amateur.”
{Me as a police trainee}
COP: So whoever killed him—
ME: Or WHATever kil—
COP: Nope. No. That’s not a real thing. WHOever killed him… did it with something sharp.
ME:
COP:
ME: *Quietly to myself* Or someONE sharp.
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
I found a message in a bottle. It said:
“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”
My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”
When a cop opens the car door for you, promises you an overnighter and talks about bonding… you’re not on a date with him, you’re spending the night in jail.
I know this now.
My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
I’m exhausted. There was a local FB person who posted an angry rant about not liking people who use “fowl language” & you have NO idea how much self-discipline it took for me yesterday to NOT respond with a comment full of bird puns.
Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
My class teacher once said “Write and Practice.” Turns out she was right. I practiced on my desk just before I started my exam and it worked
CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
CHEF: Yes
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT
Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.
Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..
~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand