My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.
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Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.
Be the change you want to see in the world!
Me: *goes back to bed
YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?
A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?
Flat earthers be like ‘you wanna go bowling’ and then start throwing frisbees at the pins.
Dear Abby,
My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words “In Him”
Help!
Perplexed in Poughkeepsie
When you let grandma cat sit
Just Jedi mind tricked my BF into buying me a new phone. Well not really, I had to moan during sex and promised to be nice to his mom.
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: yes why
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that
Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.
me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel
also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti
We need tire spike strips installed for those idiots who can’t follow the big arrows and drive the wrong way down parking lot isles.
They’ll remember what those arrows mean next time.
My nephew said the cherries in my refrigerator had gone bad. They’re moonshine cherries, so yeah, they aren’t exactly choir boys.
Best translation fail. The arabic spells out a transliteration of ‘meat ball’ in English – which sounds like ‘mayit baul’, or Dead Paul.
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you
Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Wife: Nothing would make me happier than a new car.
Me: Well if you’re sure. Nothing it is.
Pastor: discipline your children as God disciplines his.
Me: so kick them out for eating an apple?
Pastor: no
Me: rain down frogs?
Pastor: what the?
Me: plague them with locusts?
Pastor: NO
Me: I gotta say Padre, it kinda feels like I’m running out of options here.
4yo *holds out a play cellphone*
It’s for you.Me: Who is it?
4yo: Someone about an extended warnty.
Me: Son of a ….
what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?
I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.
Jesus: This is my body
Peter: That’s bread
Jesus: It’s a metaphor dude
Peter: Oh so you’ve been talking in metaphor
Jesus: Sometimes I am Sometimes I’m being literal
Peter: How will we know the difference?
Jesus: It’s easy. If you get something wrong you just go to hell
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
When my son was in grade school the teacher asked the class what they should do if they think there is a fire and he shouted GO TURN THE STOVE OFF DINNER IS READY
Dance like your kid isn’t secretly making a TikTok to humiliate you.
*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*
*dresses like a kitty*
*climbs tree*
*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*