Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.
Alcohol: *ears perk up*
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All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.
me: fancy a movie?
them: what do you have in mind?
me: “500 Days of Summer” maybe?
them: what’s it about?
me: August 2020
I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do busboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”
Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life
I’m so sick of tv and movies where the point is there are no likable characters. I don’t need to spend an hour with people I hate, I already have my life.
[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg
[Commercial for X-Games]
Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?
Me: Do you like being right-handed?
Hubby: Umm, sure… why?
Me: Take another one of my fries again and see…
i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud
By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?
How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?
When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was
me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.
them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”
You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
Gave my 8yo $20 to buy a Hawaiian souvenir so he found a seashell on the beach and spent the money on ice cream.
When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.
Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.
“The truth has finally been revealed” around the world:
5. The cat is out of the bag (English)
4. The bunny is out of the hat (Czech)
3. The pigeon falls out of your mouth (Romanian)
2. The turtle’s feet have appeared (Taiwanese)
1. Now the monkey comes out of the sleeve (Dutch)
Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?
me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.
Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.
me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle
*overheard from the other room
8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?
Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?
8yo: No
Grandma: Just one then
“Keep it in your pants,” I say, refusing to put my husband’s heavy key ring in my purse.