sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?
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the next time u see a fork in the road, just try to remeber that at least, no mater wat u did, u werent the person who tried to eat the road
Interviewer: so tell me your strengths
Me: conducting interviews
Interviewer: *narrows eyes*
Me: so tell me your weaknesses
Interviewer: *starts sweating*
Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?
Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beerThe keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup
[invention of blue cheese]
“this cheese has gone off”
sell it
“but it’s gone mouldy”
I SAID SELL IT!
“fine”
& double the price
“are u ok?”
Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.
those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?
[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse
All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
if you think electrolytes are good you should try the electroheavies
4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night
me: warp speed
4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real
me: neither is Santa go to sleep
-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will
**marked safe from the loose thread I thought was a spider**
A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.
Me: who is your favourite spice girl?
Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
Kid: Fire is magic.
Me: No, it’s science.
Kid: Oh yeah? What’s fire made of?
Me:
Kid: Magic.
Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem
ME: “My time machine works! I just killed Bobby Hitler!”
FRIEND: “You mean baby Hitler?”
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:”I’ll be right back.”
I couldn’t be a hero in The Matrix cause agent Smith would be like “humans are a virus” and I’d be like that’s a fair point
THERAPIST: Anyways—
ME: “Anyways” isn’t a word. You mean “anyway”
THERAPIST: ANYWAY, we were talking about your difficulty making friends
getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger
How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.
All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.
[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.
Saying wash your hands
-Mundane
-May go unheard
-Have to beg my kids to do itRequesting the cleansing your portable sandwich fabricators
-Interesting
-An adventure
-Have to beg my kids to do it