EVERYBODY NEEDS TO STOP WHAT THEY ARE DOING RIGHT NOW AND ACKNOWLEDGE THE FACT THAT I HAVE JUST SEEN A BEAVER.
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is it possible to get my dehumidifier to water my houseplants
I do not have a firm grasp on physics but have sketched what I have in my mind, with it strapped to a ceiling fan
– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.
Mother of God, the man solved unsolvable crimes for eight straight seasons. When he says he has a hunch, believe him the first time.
Not Wordle. Just a cactus.
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*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
[date shouting over music on the dance floor]:
WHY ARE YOU HOLDING TWO CORN DOGS?
Me: BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS!
doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live
Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.
Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart
me: so I just check out women all day?
grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that
Me: *kisses toddler* goodnight
Toddler: goodnight
Me: *shuts bedroom door*
Toddler: *behind me* hi
Me: how did you…
Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates
They did not miss in the small print
“We don’t have iced coffee”
Me: “You have coffee?”
“Yes”
Me: “You have ice?”
“Yes”
Me: “Were you raised in a barn?”
One time I was trying to get a big game to run on an old computer but it didn’t have enough free memory so I compressed the hard drive, twice. That computer never worked again, in case you’re looking for an IT guy.
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.
Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.
“Aboot a half kilometer up the road.”
“Thank you.”
“Just past the Tim’s on your left.”
“Much appreciated.”
“My pleasure, eh.”
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins
5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.
After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy
Doctor: your husband is being treated by a team of ten strainers
Woman: you mean he’s
Doctor: yes, in ten sieve care
Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.
So, just me..
my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue