“That video conference call went extremely well!” I say to myself, having arrived late, mouthed ‘hello’ while on mute, and left before it was over because I noticed my underwear drawer was open and overflowing in the background the whole time. “Yes, quite well.”
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[my first day in a drug cartel]
kingpin: where’s the coke
me: is pepsi ok? hehe
[later]
police: this is the most bullet holes we’ve ever seen in a single body
Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks
Him: you just offended all of Canada
Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.
4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.
I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
*rap battles you for the last chicken nugget*
STOP MAKING IT WEIRD
i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.
Me: But Halloween is the one day a year you get to be anybody you want
Jury at my Identify Theft Trial: [impressed whispering]
Me: “I think it’s time for a change. Should I paint the bathroom?”
5yo: “Yes!”
Me: “What colors?”
5yo: “The same!”
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
[last day at job]
“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”
[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]
“Not you tho Phil”
*tries to get in your pantries*
There is no typo here.
If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
me: i need to a place to relax.
cruise ship director: say no more. i want you to imagine a giant office building on its side filled with thousands of people floating in the middle of the ocean.
When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.
prepare for carbonated trouble
Cashier: How are you today?
Me: You too.
🤦🏻♂️
AM I BEING GASLIT????
AMAZON: Your 11 year old niece has a birthday coming up and she loves horses
ALSO AMAZON: do you wanna buy like a sword or a manhole cover or something
8-year-old: The snow is so pretty.
Me: Yeah, but it makes the roads slick.
8: Why are pretty things always dangerous?
Me: Ask your mom.
gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
me: i’d love to go out with u but i am 198,000 bells in debt
bf: ur what
me: that raccoon drives a hard bargain ok
bf: the what
me: nook. he built me a house and pretty much all the residents rely on me and—
bf: wh—
me: —basically what i’m saying is i’m busy
[millipede preschool]
head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…
3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day
I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.
mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die