girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
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I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
I don’t know much about friends with benefits but i’m always carrying a snack or two if that counts
I always say “Beep beep! Tough guy alert!” when I see a guy in a Tap Out shirt so he knows I know he’s a tough guy.
Sometimes I like to play the power card and remind my husband that I was once woken up to a phone hitting me in the head. He tied it to the ceiling fan to reach a certain number of steps and it flew off.
i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud
If it wasn’t for google photos I wouldn’t be reminded my husband has been wearing the same 3 shirts in rotation for 15 years.
[after a zombie encounter]
me: you gotta shoot me
friend: but what if we find a cure
me: *aware of how much zombies walk* please
I’m feeling very anxious i think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off
Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis
*Breakfast*
-Do u want the buffet?-No, I’ll order off the menu
-The buffet has more options
-That’s ok. I know what I want
-The buffet?
-No.
-Look, I don’t feel like bringing u food.
Kid at skatepark:
“Are you Tony Hawk?”
me: I am
him: “no you’re not”
me: ok, I’m not
him: “but are you, FOR REAL?”
me: I am, for real
him: I thought you’d look younger
me: ME TOO
Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.
Ask yourself this: will it matter a year from now?
If the answer is yes, I am sorry. You were supposed to say no.
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
Watching Mad Men with my girlfriend and trying to distract her every time Don Draper is on screen
No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity
[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?
my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience
H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”
“A puppy.”
“Pick something else.”
“A different puppy.”
Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.