My niece told me Titanic wasn’t its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account
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*eating lawn mower parts*
what, it’s grass fed
{The purge}
GUY MURDERING ME: It’s “purge.” It’s a soft g.
ME: The purg. I feel like I’m saying it.
GUY: No, it’s “purge.” You’re saying it like “iceberg.”
ME: Purg.
GUY: *Getting increasingly frustrated* Say iceberg.
ME: Iceburge.
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise
Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*
Me: Sweetie, you need to share
Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35
ME: 3 Big Macs please. lol it’s my cheat day
CLERK: you ordered the same thing yesterday
ME:[leans in] why don’t u mind your own gd business
Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.
(gathered around the campfire, 1876)
Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon
Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?
“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic
PSYCHIATRIST: You seem distracted.
ME: I have “Tom’s Diner” in my head.
PSYCHIATRIST: Haha… It’s a catchy song!
ME: Yeah, it is.
PSYCHIATRIST: How long has it been stuck in your head?
ME: Since 1987. That’s why I’m here.
I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.
“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.
*wipes off Chapstick
Weigh me now
A deer in the headlights but it’s being asked for my input during a Zoom meeting when I’ve been playing Words with Friends the entire time.
Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out
*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”
asian women will be in palo alto pushing a $5000 stroller holding a birkin wearing 2-3 cartier bracelets having a 5 carat diamond ring wearing chanel sunglasses and some blonde woman wearing yoga pants at the grocery store will be like are you the nanny
Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.
Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.
I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.
Her: I think my fathers in jail.
Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.
I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.
There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango
“Hey what should we call our multi-million dollar juice company?”
“Juicy Juice”
“What? Are you sure? Why don’t we-”
“Juicy. Juice.”
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.