Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.
Me: but I’m infested.
Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.
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Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.
Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.
HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
i gotta figure out some insane rules for my kid that she doesn’t question until she gets older. “no pink lemonade in this house. it’s unnatural” and she’s like right of course, lemons are yellow, it’s unnatural. then decades from now she’s in a college dining hall like Wait What.
I had rando stomach pain and went “ooh,” and patted my tummy, but I guess this looked sus
My wife gave me a funny look, so I panicked and said “the baby kicked”
Fashion designers: What do you want?
Me: something that hides my belly fat, shows off my curves and something even an 80 year old would find comfortable
Fashion designers: we don’t do magic
The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.
Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.
On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
Him: It’s like people are going feral.
Me: *looks in mirror*
*tries to run fingers through my hair*
*hand gets stuck in rat’s nest*
*flicks ham off my shirt*
*takes deep breath*
*straightens shoulders*
*lifts chin*It’s finally my time to shine. I shall be their leader.
Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.
My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..
this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o
“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Me: Yes
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit
My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.
INSPECTOR: do you use growth hormones?
ME: our cows are completely organic
*ground trembles & alarms flash*
ME: Oh no! Steakosaurus Rex has escaped!
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
It’s so annoying when attractive people say they’re ugly just to get compliments from people, ugh if I weren’t so ugly I’d do the same thing
Brain: eat that entire pizza
Stomach: please don’t
Me: *eats pizza*
Stomach: i hurt so much
Me: i feel sick
Brain: eat that dessert
Me: okay
Stomach: oh my god
Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.
I’d say a good part of my day is spent trying to convince my dog that we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser
[stands on other side of glass door & ruffles hair as everyone watches, then enters office]
Me: sorry I’m late, I hate this place & everyone here
Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring
* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes