12 yr old me: Some old lady yelled at me
25 yr old me: Look at that old lady yelling at some poor kid
50 yr old me: I had to yell at some kid
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[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
the prophecy has been fulfilled
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.
[doing group photography]
ME: now let me take one without the flash
THE FLASH: what the-
REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?
Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.
I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after
I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”
Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.
wife: everyone at buffalo wild wings is staring at you
me: i’m sorry if i like using a fork and knife
wife: on your coke though?
It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.
Me: How many chicken nuggets do you want tonight?
7yo: 100
Me: As a guide, you usually have 4-6
7yo (thinking): 30
5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?
Me: *cuts it differently*
5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*
Me: Why aren’t you eating it?
5yo: Because it’s not the same!
[performance review]
boss: what would you say is your biggest strength
me: i’m consistent
boss: but you’re late every morning
me: ya
The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.
I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?
Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?
[dentist giving me a filling]
Me: guh uh hag a hogreg?
Dentist stops: what?
Me: do you have a boyfriend?
*beats arachnophobia*
*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*
*fears spiders again*
How to tell if your kid is doing drugs
1. Are your drugs missing?
Popeye just relied on the spinach to turn him into a bucking mule or his hands into sledgehammers. He really had no fighting technique.
You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances
Unavoidable loud things that personally attack me, unprovoked:
-Yelling
-Bird carrying fries once mine
-The sun
-Wind (in a good way?)
-Wind (in a bad way)
-Ghosts?
-Feelings of uncertainness
-That time I woke up in a dumpster and forgot where I was until a raccoon bit me
-Ghosts
*speaking to my neighbor whom I haven’t seen in four months
Sorry I broke my pickle ball paddle over your head during the last Purge.
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
Me too, bag. Me too….