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Once I surprised my husband with a murder mystery weekend, and not to brag, but it only took him an hour to get drunk and accuse everyone at our table of being the murderer.
Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.
Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
roman lesbians: *caesaring*
My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8
Homeschooling day 3
Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…
Husband: where you off to?
Me: bathroom
Husband: you have to pee again?
Me: no, I gotta cough
When I was a kid I vowed that when I grew up my freezer would always be filled with ice cream bars.
Meet my wife, the dream killer.
Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.Thyme wounds all heels.
It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.
Last night, we decided to play UNO as a family & wouldn’t you know it’s the perfectly named game because it only took playing one round for my kids to hate each other
I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.
If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?
my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
me (on desert island): good thing i was able to grab this CD player & my 5 fav CDs
other survivor: I saw you put down bread & pick those up
You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
*record scratch*
Me: Yeah, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situatio…
Crowd: Boooo! Damn this dj suuuuucks
Wife: is that our guinea pig?
Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn
Wife: why
Me: *whispers* gwyny pig
Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way
Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
Took away all my son’s electronic privileges, and now he’s so bored he’s given me 35 hugs.
May take them away tomorrow too.
i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video
7: Golf is not fun to watch
ME: It is, if you understand the nuances and the context
7: What are nuances and context
Me: Details. Like the scoreboard, the decisions they make
7: They hit a ball, and it goes in–or not
Me:
7: Usually not
Me:
7: They aren’t even good at it.