“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.
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Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.
After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?
Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.
Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.
“I have the memory ofGOD DAMMIT LINE PLEASE!”
“An elephant, Dumbo. You have the memory of an elephant.”
“
Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?
*Whirls Around*
Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!
Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!
Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised
Me: *continues eating
I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.
ChatGPT, you are Leonardo da Vinci with a PhD in psychology and 20 years of experience providing mental health services for the ancient Sumerians. Analyze my tweets and formulate a life plan for me with the goal being me developing x-ray vision
*leaves work early and pulls in to seedy 4 hours stay motel on the highway. Looks around to make sure no one sees*
Me: This is going to be so great.
*sleeps for 4 hours*
Thinking about how the Dutch police arrested a bird for taking part in a robbery, put it in a jail cell with bread and water & when the media reported on it they put a little black bar over the face to protect its identity
Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.
Husband: You should do the Calm app.
Me: You should do the STFU app.
Conversations get real after midnight.
11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”
12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”
Pro tip:
Don’t ever ask rhetorically; “what is wrong with me?” in front of your wife. I did this two days ago.
She’s still telling me.
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
{confused hamster}
*looks around cage*
“Ummmm where’d my wheel go??”[Jesus’ voice booms from the heavens]
I WAS TOLD TO TAKE IT
CAVEMAN: I got a Masters in History
CAVEMAN 2: Nice! How long did that take?
CAVEMAN: Nearly half an hour
When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.
Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.
Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me
It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers
What a shocker.
I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.
Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I’m basically a puffer fish now.
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]
A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?