I just overheard my son say to his friend, “Don’t worry, my mom will never notice.” So I had Alexa make an announcement that said, “Mom already knows!” just to mess with them.
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When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.
ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT!
SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN.
ME: *defensive* They are our children.
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*Map: I have a boyfriend
MOST RESTAURANTS:
Waiter: “Have you dined with us before?”
You: “No.”
Waiter: “Oh! Well, (*proceeds to describe a normal restaurant*)”
The crows I feed every day attacked a UPS delivery guy that startled me so I guess I now have my own little squad of personal assassins.
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
*mops up wine with cat*
*Meets new person, forgets their name two seconds after they say it. Spends the next ten minutes hoping others in the conversation will say their name so I don’t have to ask.
Interviewer: congrats you got the security guard job
Me: *already asleep on a folding chair*
Interviewer: hang on u don’t start til monday
Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.
just leaving a message to let you know I got your text
– voicemails from my dad
Ladies, if Men had PMS they’d get into fist fights, defraud partners, start wars, abuse women, stop paying child support..HEY-wait a minute!
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha
Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife
I SCREAM,
YOU SCREAM,
WE ALL SCREAM,
BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO
WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!
friend: don’t worry so much
me: omg why what will happen
I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?
Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
My 4 y/o doesn’t realize that things in life have happened before his existence. I bet this is what life is like for Kanye. Let’s be gentle.
Well I’m not really sure why you put “Baby: Ages 0-6” on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long
*first date*
Her: I’m a bit of a night owl
Me: Surely as most owls are nocturnal then it’s just an owl
H: Well, aren’t you a hoot
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.