Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.
~my new handbag
You Might Also Like
🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵
I bet you don’t believe it, but I lived on Mars for years.
However, only eating chocolate did rot my teeth.
#ChocolateDay #RubbishJokes
*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*
If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.
Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.
Sang to the radio on the way home today.
Got every word wrong.
You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.
[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip
If your job doesn’t have a dress code, start wearing scrubs to it. Don’t say anything just do it and don’t answer any questions about it either
for christmas I got the cat a plastic yellow gun that shoots soft fluffy balls for her to chase which she loooves. anyway it’s so funny now when she’s being a pain & we need to distract her one of us will say “cat won’t stop trying to eat from my plate. pass me the gun”
My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.
I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.
The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?
Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.
“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.
So annoying when she does this every week.
R.E.M: Stand in the place where you live
CDC: Exactly
R.E.M.: Now face north, think about direction, wonder why you haven’t before
CDC: Uh, okay?
R.E.M.: Now stand in the place where you work
CDC: NO
Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.
I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.
My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour
What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
boss: this company is more profitable than ever
me: how about a raise?
boss: sorry i have to take this call
me: your phone isn’t ringing
boss: [fakes heart attack]
DOCTOR SNAIL: *out of breath* I got here as fast as I could. How’s the patient?
NURSE: *Pointing to a skeleton in the bed* Not good
Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
Me: If I had a superpower, what would it be?
6YO: Being nice. Not yelling.
Me: Really?
6YO: Oh, I thought it was like which ones did you need.
Me:*opens mouth*
Husband: Don’t. You’re the adult.
Therapist: Are you still obsessively using emoji descriptions to talk?
Me: Mad devil
Therapist: You have to stop
Me: Crying cat
Therapist: No
Me:
Therapist: Very good
Me: Dancing lady
“It’s the hap, happiest seeason of—” yeah go tell it on the mountain, Denise, I’m gift wrapping a basketball over here