Just pulled my classic move of not replying to a text immediately to avoid looking desperate and the forgetting to ever reply to it, making me look unreliable instead.
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*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*
Me: I would love to sleep with you
Her: ok I think we’re ready for this
[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]
NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored
Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes
[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.
Customer: can you help me?
Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?
if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it’s the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.
WIFE: we’ve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus
Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.
Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.
the biggest problem we’d face in a zombie apocalypse wouldn’t be the people hiding zombie bites, it would be the people who informed their employer they’d been bitten and got told “we still need you to come in and work your shift until you turn”
Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie
“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?
sorry but how is it “unclear” how many horses are loose, kicking about town rn? surely they know how many horses they started with and how many they currently have? seems like a fairly simple subtraction situation to me
[Gets Pulled Over]
Cop: Have u been drinking?
Me: No osiffer
C: What did u call me?
M: I mean orifice
C: …
M: …office chair?
C: Get out
If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.
me: is this vegan friendly?
waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend
You can name literally any food or drink to the dentist and they’ll be like “ohhh 😕 that’s actually so bad for your teeth. You should only eat water and toothpaste.”
I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad
*teacher sees students sharing a note*
Teacher: why don’t you read that out loud
Student: [reading note] Dear teacher, this is an intervention. Your methods of discipline via public humiliation are uninspired carbon copies of Hollywood tropes. We wrote this letter as a class…
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”
Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.
Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
I cleaned out my teen’s room and I found 8 plates, 21 utensils, a TV remote, 8 chapsticks, a burner phone and apparently we have a cat.
Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.
Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?