Look, I respect the skill. But no.
You Might Also Like
GOD: Sharp pincers
CRAB: Thats dope
GOD: Hard shell
CRAB: Hell ya
GOD: Delicious legs lmao
CRAB: Wtf
Back in the old days you had to settle for someone within a 50 mile radius to love. Now with social media the whole world can disappoint you.
Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.
Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??
From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??
The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.
funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings
I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?
*turns off comments*
INTERVIEWER: So…that’s it. Any questions for me?
ME: Do boxer dogs actually punch?
I: um no that’s not
ME: I bet they use a puppercut
When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener
My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.
I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.
There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx
All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*has to pee*
*watches soccer*
*gets up to pee*
*misses goal*
:/
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.
Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.
Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.
People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?
Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.
INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control
[1931]
Him: we should name this time period
Me: the good depression
Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”
Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out
You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?
My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.
Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*
I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.
A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”
I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
Job interviewer: In the beginning, you’ll be earning $20 000, later on that can increase to $40 000. Me: OK, I’ll come again later then.
<— 30 year old female who STILL snickers when the elevator door opens & the electronic voice says “going down”. Never gets old.