some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
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“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
Order a pizza then act confused when it arrives. “A delivery for Aaron? Aarons DEAD. He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago”
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0
“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁
Wife: I’m going to grab some dinner, you want anything?
Me: No thanks, I’m stuffed.
Wife: Ok, I’m going to Taco…
Me: I’ll have 9 tacos.
Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.
[quietly] “Always a bridesmaid never the bride”
BRIDE: Hey, you’re not one of my bridesmaids!
“Shhh…this day is about you, not me.”
Florida be like…
even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults
When I was 9 months pregnant with my son, my mom & I were on the side of the road, struggling with a flat. A car with 4 men stopped, not to help, but to ask for directions to a local golf course.
My mom sent them 15 miles in the wrong direction.
She is the legend who shaped me.
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.
Her:[watching sunset]”Best date ever! Nothing can ruin this mo..”
*crunching sounds*
Me:[eating live Monarch butterflies out of a ziplock]
[job interview]
That’s all. Have any questions for us?
“Yes, did Air Bud get to use the team bathroom, or did they make him go outside?”
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re sad?
Fleabag: Go to church.
Therapist: Good.
Fleabag: To flirt with the priest.
Therapist: No.
i handle all my disagreements like an adult
dance off pants off karaoke
hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?
In movies a reckoning is always a trial by combat, whereas in my life a reckoning is far more likely to be an out of order men’s room, or a girl scout troop that I owe cookie money
Interviewer: u worked in sales before?
Me: yeah
Interviewer: what’s your background?
Me [gets phone out]: picture of my dog eating spaghetti
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
God, I love Scotland
My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked
BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all
Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.