As a kid: the floor is lava
As a parent: the floor is Lego™️
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Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.
Parenting is weird because you find yourself saying things like: that was a cute story but you know if you ever meet a real bear with a toothache you shouldn’t try to help it, right?
An odd boast
“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”
*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*
“Ah nuts that was a good one.”
When I picked up my 5yo from school, she had on a construction paper hat that she made. I asked if it was a jellyfish. The joy in her eyes slowly turned into disappointment, “it’s a spider!” I failed her.
me: I got a cookie just for donating blood
friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood
hackers play passwordle
What kind of a cult is this?
ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
I can’t tell if a family in a movie is happy unless the kids are waking up their parents by jumping onto their bed and yelling about pancakes
Apocalypse life hack: mute the news and play White Stripes “seven nation army”. It’s still horrible but it feels so much cooler
Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?
I’m in a very dark place right now.
Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?
After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom
Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt
*When I see someone else jaywalk*
“What an idiot.”
*When I jaywalk*
“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”
My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks
[Home Depot]
Me: Hi, I’d like to return this toilet plunger, please.
Cashier: I’m sorry, is it defective?
Me: No. It worked great
I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.
I’m here!
– Me, excitedly lining up all of my gourmet peanut butters just before my disappointing first meeting at Toastmasters
Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.
boss: what is the problem
coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus
me: he peddles falsehoods
On our walk this morning I mentioned that my legs were sore.
Hubs: I’ll carry you!
6: How can you carry her? She’s heavy!
Me: Daddy is strong…and I’m not THAT heavy!
6: Welllll, you LOOK heavy.
Him: Yah, I like my meat rare
Me: Rare? Like, unicorn you mean?
Him: ……
Me: Our mom’s are friends, you have to finish the date
Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears
People need to stop posting denigrating photo memes of animals; they have dignity and deserve respect. Oh that’s Rick Santorum? Ok carry on.
I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.
guy in a zombie apocalypse who just keeps saying “the zombies are more afraid of us than we are of them” and stands up tall and waves his arms around and yells at them and he turns out to be 100% right
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there