me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what
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pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me
My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”
Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to
Legend 🤣🤣
Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.
Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk
Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.
Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.
Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door
losing my mind at my mom’s reply to my insta story
I feel so envious when I see young mothers pushing their babies in strollers. I want my OWN…..my own stroller & someone to push me.
Accidentally called my therapist mom again. He was not pleased.
him: anything to declare
me: i don’t really like soup
everyone else in customs: [GASP]
Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,
Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
Me: *pointing gun* put all the money in the bag
Him: sir this is a food bank
Me: put all the broccoli in the bag
Do you smoke after sex?
Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”
[group therapy]
me: you ever feel so full of rage that you wish you could just ram somebody with your car and then throat punch them when they stumble out?
voldemort: uhh no
joker: yikes
darth vader: seriously what is wrong with you
WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?
ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back
That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
Husband praying mantis: I have a headache
Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”
Me: “BRO, you were there.”
PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.
[Me as a Realtor]
BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted
her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime
8yo: What does Dad do for work?
Me: Why don’t you ask him?
8yo: He told me to ask you.
Me: Well played. Well. Played.
Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.