all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”
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My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
making up a lame excuse to bail on plans
– transparent
– not cool dude
– you always do this“i can’t go… because of the curse”
– woah
– sounds serious
– not gonna ask too many questions
– i’ll just cancel next week’s plans too, hope u get this thing sorted out
Her (is a hockey player): I scored two goals in the first, and one in the third!
Me: Nothing in the second?
Her: No, I skipped a period.
Me:
Her:
Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.
KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.
ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.
HER: Can I give you my new number?
ME: *Eye roll* I REALLY doubt you came up with a number I don’t already know.
Fell on the stairs and I’m happy to report that my dog immediately came to rescue… the empty can of cat food in my hand.
Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.
I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter’s boyfriend every time he leaves
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.
Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.
Oh boy, $150,000!
I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.
No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.
SCIENTIST: Dear God! Were… were you chewing bubble gum when you went through the teleporter??
ME, a pink, lumpy man-shaped blob: Uh… no.
SCIENTIST: Oh… sorry.
mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku
I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos
*Speeding*
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: My singing?
Cop:
Me: My smile?
Cop:
*From the back of cop car*: My dance moves?
[firing squad]
Captain: Any last words?
Prisoner: Why, yes. I’d like to speak with you for a moment about gun control.
I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits
If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.
do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day
I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.