[guy at party who’s embarrassed that he’s allergic to cats] how funny would it be if we snorted a line of Zyrtec hahah
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I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.
I’m on a 2 hour long call where one lady keeps cleaning her throat, and some guy keeps saying “meat in” instead of meeting, and I just want to catapult myself into the sun
My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires
When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.
Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.
I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
[ SEXT ]
Me: Hey naughty girl, what are you wearing right now?
Her: Footed pajamas
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: …
M: K, gnight
My summer body has been pending for about ten years
4: Let’s play.
Me: Ok.
4: You can be the mommy.
Me: Sure.
4: You’ll have to figure out what all the kids eat.
Me: Nope, I’m out.
You’ve got some nerve
~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window
Apparently people mistook my innocent “what street did you grow up on” tweet for data mining.
Which is hysterical in a completely non-Russian bot fabricated to crack your Pinterest password & steal your Dog Sweater Vision Board ideas kind of way.
(genuine human laughter)
“Have you forgotten your password?”
Fish: 😔
[My first 4th of July in the States]
Me: so when do we fight the aliens?
Friend: umm, it’s just fireworks and pie.
Me: this is bullshit
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*
(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!
Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that
I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.
Don’t bring a knife to a gunfight. In fact don’t go to a gunfight, what is wrong with you
Sometimes I’ll watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something
Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something
here’s the problem with fruit: it’s inconsistent. some apples are delicious, some taste bad. sometimes blueberries are great, sometimes they are disgusting. you know what’s the same every time? doritos
I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?
Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.
– news stations
Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.
Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.
I didn’t hear “to work.”
Saw a Police Officer standing right in the middle of the road, in front of traffic, with his hand up, but when I go in for the high 5 suddenly I’m the idiot.
My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.
If you were wondering about my hiding skills.