If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman
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I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING
Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
We’re all ridiculous…
It’s not a competition.
Asked a vegetarian if she’d heard this song, then remembered vegos are too weak to turn on radios and way too busy playing with their lutes.
*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog
Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
“the names bond, james bond”
[5 min later]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple
My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.
The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.
a former teacher who loved saying “lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine” just reached out to me about getting comp tickets to a show of mine because she didn’t realize it would sell out.
wellllllllllllllllllllll well well well WELL.
If you wait for the perfect time. You will become a perfectionist at waiting.
They say that sex is the best form of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to do much for that beer belly.
Billion dollar idea: Tea bags that are actually wine bags. Slogan: You already act like you’re God, now turn water into wine like Jesus!
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot
They did not miss in the small print
Finding out how big of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan I truly am was understandably pretty tough for my daughters, Raphael & Leonardo.
Had a dream I went to the chiropractor in a shirt that showed some of my back.
Chiropractor: Do you think you have a fungus on your back?
Me: Do YOU think I have a fungus on my back? YOU’RE looking at it.
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young
Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
I like to make lists. I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen counter and then guess what’s on the list while at the store. Fun game
Me: I feel like I look cute today.
Target self-checkout video: EIGHTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD WITCH.
Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*
Who called it girl math and not galgebra?
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
[briefing]
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)
Me before a guy comes over: I have to clean my entire home. Every room must be immaculate. Even the rooms we are unlikely to occupy need to be spotless
Guy: if I see so much as a speck of dust I will not have sex with this person