if you write “keep it together, man” without the comma you end up creating a new superhero named “keep it together man” and frankly if there’s one guy we need right now it’s him.
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ME: *looks up from tarot card* So is Death laughing at a smoldering corpse a good thing?
PSYCHIC: *wide-eyed* At this point, I don’t know.
Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.
The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.
[boxing gym]
*points at everything*
I’d hit that.
The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
Me [double-clicking a word to select it]
Microsoft Word: are you trying to select this entire sentence?
Me: no, just the one word
Microsoft Word: ok are you trying to select the entire paragraph?
Me: no, just that word…
Microsoft Word: ok I’ll just delete this entire page
WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.
If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.
13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?
Me, knows exactly where it is: No.
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
once in college this girl got drunk and spilled her guts to me about how horrible her boyfriend was and how he was bad in bed and always flirted with other girls in front of her. anyway now they’re engaged <3
Interviewer: You list excellent negotiator on your resume. Could you provide an example?
Me: *slow winks, slides $5 across table* I’m hired
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..
Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.
Me: I’ve gone my whole life without having any hearing problems.
Middle age: Hold my beer.
Me: What?
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”
Me: I’m updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport?
Him: You didn’t bowl. You kept score.
Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?
Him: You think I’m a liar just because I’m a man?
Me: You think I’m dumb just because I’m blonde?
Him: Yes.
Me: Glad we’re on the same page.
At dinner my husband hollered, “I’m going to run off to a place where I’m appreciated!”
My daughter: Don’t take my Barbie backpack.
My son: Can someone pass the butter?
My mother: You married her.
A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases
Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.
Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?
*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space
I’m uncomfortable with flirting. I never know at what point I show the guy I’m able to put my entire fist in my mouth.
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.