me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
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So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…
Did Mary have a little lamb?
Doctor: You have athletes foot
Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?
One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.
When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!
Dr: Have you been exercising?
Me: I’ll take blatant lies for $200, Alex
I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour
After a pretty wild late night last night, I was awoken at 8am by my neighbor mowing his lawn.
At first I was going to confront him about it but then I thought, whatever. He can just mow around me.
Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night
[FIRST DATE]
Me, opening mouth seductively: “And this is where I burned my tongue on pizza, and this is where I burned my tongue on fries, a
I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it
Who knew!
Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.
For when you only want to be 35% sure.
“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.
When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.
*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.
Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.
Been hearing a lot lately about bleaching your asshole. Do you just dump bleach over his head & keep out of his eyes or make him consume it?
Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.
This might be me.
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“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”
“Omg. Where is he now???”
“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”
[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
cooks vegan zuchinni alfredo for dinner (evolved). follows it up with fistfuls of shaved parm straight out of the tub (caveman brain)
“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”
– People who haven’t met me yet
Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.