Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
You Might Also Like
Him: I’d take a bullet for you
Me: I’ll allow it.
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
I just said “bye – bye” when I ended a phone call, and now I’m debating on if I should have my milk & cookies before or after recess.
“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.
I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.
i just bought a used car and the owners left their “baby on board” sign in it. i don’t have any children so i just wrote “former” on it
Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
Sounds about right! 💯
🌐
Devil worshipper leader: “Due to a typo we have summoned the wrong demon.”
Stan: “Hey there.”
Whats this kids eat free bullshit. When was the last time you saw a 4 year old pick up the lunch tab??They always eat free
Fitness coach: have you been exercising & doing push-ups?
*Flashback to me running after the ice cream man & buying all the push-ups* “yes”
If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?
*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*I’m here, Mistress.
*eats everything*
*dies*
If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.
1990- I have three-way calling, we can all talk for hours
2015- don’t even leave me a voicemail unless you are dying or I won money
Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.
I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.
After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.
This meeting could have been a cake
It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.
Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?
There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar
Boyfriend is mad at me because he said people are silly to spend $300 on tickets to “Shen Yun: 5,000 Years of Civilization Reborn” and I told him that’s a great deal in terms of years of civilization per dollar
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
A haunted house but it’s just me walking from room to room to see the mass destruction that occurred when I left my kids alone for 5 min to take a shower.
*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*
Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP
Me: I’m woke
Kids: How woke?
Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.