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Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate
I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?
Anne Has A Problem
Anne Has A Solution
Anne Has A Will
Anne Hathaway
I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
Having a dark sense of humor is great, until you make a joke in front the wrong crowd and get looked at like you just killed their cat.
Panda express…🐶🐾🐼💨😅
“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”
-guy who invented ketchup packets
Tried eucalyptus oil in my bath and I don’t know about stress relief, but I think all the koalas will find me irresistible.
My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”
“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”
– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.
Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.
I’m dismayed…
I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
The game? A foot.
The door? A jar.
The Fred? A stair.
jfc, the doctor doing my physical just asked if I was “that twitter guy” so I said “yup, I’m the funny twitter guy,” and he responded “I didn’t say funny.” We haven’t even gotten to the awkward part of this appointment yet 🙁
Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
[Explaining nomenclature to my niece]
Well, you see, celebrities used up all the good names the year you were born, Fancy Feast.
Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”
Librarian: “No.”
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!
Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…
My daughter woke up at 5, because of crows outside. She stuck her head outside the window and said ‘Mum, the bird witches are calling me’ and to sum up I have my next book and also I need to call a priest
[hospital]
Me: how is he?
Her: he’s in the burn ward
Me: *tearing up* I’m an adult you can say H-E-double hockey sticks
Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.
I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.
Me: I think you should have a long bath tonight
Son: but we’ve only a got a regular-sized one
Me: I’ve never been prouder of you
8 and I just standing there existing
3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat
I had to have a conversation with 4 about how not every older lady is his grandmother and he should stop yelling ITS GRANDMA at every old lady we see