I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?
You Might Also Like
Don’t tell me what to do
i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands
Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.
Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
[Commercial for axes]
[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]
*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”
[first day as lifeguard]
Kid: *waving dramatically*
Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?
GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]
4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.
*At the bar*
Me: What do you have on tap?
Bartender: Bud and Bud Light
Me: I’ll have a Coke.
Said to my girlfriend that she had changed my life more that she will ever know. She became overwhelmed with emotion. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was because she showed me a shortcut on Microsoft Excel which I now use daily
Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
[first date]
Him: I love Asian girls
Me: [trying to act all Asian]
*smiles
*starts sweating
*attempts to pick up chopsticks
*fumbles
*chopstick goes flying
*stabs him in the eyeHim: No, not like that
Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress
But is it really??
What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
My 4yo’s favorite library book right now is a collection of articles from the ’90s about keeping iguanas as pets.
We do not have an iguana.
“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion
“I don’t know, sometimes I just wish there was a room you could sit in that made breathing harder.”
– inventor of the sauna
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
Me: So Christ’s body is the bread?
Priest: yes
Me: and he rose from the grave
Priest: yes…
Me: because of the yeast?
Priest: no
Me: okay, none of this makes sense
Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine
Wife: I don’t feel like he makes our relationship a priority
Marriage counselor: would you like to respond?
Me: *just absolutely going to town on a calzone*
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
me: as soon as I get home from work, I’m going to clean the entire house, get my workout in, and do some work on creative projects
my bed: [chuckles darkly]
Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.
Boss: Thought she died last month?
Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.
“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”