Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
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These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.
It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!
Life in your 40’s:
Friend: Come on…have a drink with me, it’s Saturday night!
Me: No thanks, I have to work Tuesday.
The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
My 16 yr old has a mandatory sophomore Catholic school retreat that lasts 24 hours. No phones allowed. His argument against going, “I just can’t.”
Me, “It’s tradition. Even I did it. All your siblings did it. Nothing can stop it. Absolutely nothing. Period.”Coronavirus: LOL.
After I spent my entire one on one with my boss talking about my love of serial killer documentaries, he suddenly stopped micromanaging me so much… weird.
[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss
fun fact: scientists discovered years ago that dogs and cats could actually talk and converse with humans, unless their human turned out to be super duper boring
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!
Me: I know
Hub: Pass the foot powder.
~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again
Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.
I love my son’s teacher, but I’m low key triggered by all these messages about what he can be learning during this. Look lady, he’s currently got his little brother in a choke hold, he doesn’t want to read a book right now
I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself
Never again would she do what Simon said
Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?
Me: You have those here?!
My children are now grown up and have recently left home. Now the wife can tell when I eat a packet of biscuits all to myself. Thinking of getting a dog.
Never trust someone who acts as if nothing happened when you meet them right after you had an amazing dream about them.
cop: you’re coming with me
me: [being handcuffed] but i don’t even know you
cop: get in the car
me: will you take me to disneyland
cop: what do you think
me: maybe
Him: you seem disappointed
Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet
Him: this is a suite
Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!
my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued
I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.
I just want a woman to look at me the same way my cat does when I’m eating a piece of chicken.
My 4yo thinks you age a whole year in one night, so she’s scrutinizing me closely for any changes today. I’m tempted to put on a bald cap or blacken out some teeth.
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
It’s 3am and my neighbor across the street is sorting two garbage bins full of cabbages on his front lawn. Whatever gets you through the night, man.
Facebook friend: What a busy day! Aydyn had a soccer tournament and then we completely remodeled the kitchen, then we did a 20 mile bike ride and finished the day with reading 15 chapters of a book!
Me: *is impressed that I actually finished reading her post*
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.