Kid: He is the baddest person in the whole world
Me: Baddest isn’t a word, u can say worst
Kid: What is worst
Me: It means very bad
Kid: How bad
Me:
Kid:
Me: Baddest
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Damn, I just realized that my employees do their jobs in order to get paid, and not out of any sense of family or loyalty to the company. Has anyone else heard of this phenomenon??
<——-Wants the burger
<——-Needs the salad
Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.
This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.
KID FREE for DAYS!
So I licked her face.
Apparently a guy named George Martin leaked all the main plot points of the next season of Game of Thrones in some books he published. Jerk.
Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.
A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty
got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times
curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious
[looking through my closet]
Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?
Me: 1991
Stress balls work better if you have good aim.
[unzips fannypack filled with jellybeans and some fall out]
Dammit
[bends over to pick them up and the rest spill out]
DAMMIT
I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
AM I BEING GASLIT????
If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving
my kids: are ALL the presents for you
me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them
Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.
4 woke me at 12.30am and 3am then yelled at me because I wouldn’t take part in her frog jumping contest at 6.23am, do I just send my resignation to hr or
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
Me: 47 MESSAGES IN UNDER 3 MINUTES?!
Genie: I told you wishing your dog could send you texts was a bad idea
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.
I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.