Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother
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Mother: can you please fix my computer
Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006
Her: “Is that you in your avi?”
Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”
The NRA is pretty unhappy about the #filibuster. My thoughts and prayers are with them.
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
them: ok so we’ve developed the most dangerous parking lot imaginable
trader joe: make the lanes even narrower
them: done
tj: make sure there are lots of blind spots
them: you got it
tj: *snorts coke* lets pay some people to back out of parking spots at 30 mph
5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?
Me: 22.
Wife: How many with witnesses?
Me: Almost 1.
it’s bullshit that someone made a bowl out of wet dirt 30,000 years ago and now i have to load a dishwasher
I saw a homeless guy and gave him $10. A woman standing there said he’s just gonna buy drugs with it. And I said yeah but if I don’t give it to him I can’t be the 50th person to write this tweet.
[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK
KY jelly is the worst tasting jelly.
How do you call a meerkat?
C’meerkat.
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
[parking lot]
ME: *hits car backing up*
Guy: *yells out window* HAVE YOU ALWAYS BEEN THIS BIG OF AN IDIOT?!
Me: *yells back* NO! I USED TO WEIGH MUCH LESS!
Ok so all of our kids get excuse notes for school tomorrow whether in person or online right?
“I’m sorry I’m late, my parents were drinking stuff and yelling at the TV all night”
Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.
*7 talking to my father*
7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?
I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together
5YO: Daddy, did you play Roblox as a kid?
8YO: *Interrupting* He didn’t have Roblox when he was kid. He would just play outside.
*Both start laughing*
“I’m running 5 minutes late” = I’m running 10 minutes late
“I’m running 10 minutes late” = I’m running 20 minutes late
“in traffic” = just got in a car
“leaving now” = disoriented, not dressed, was fully asleep three seconds ago
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
I just watched the girl next to me google “lack toast and tolerant symptoms”
Symptoms: you have no toast but it’s totally tolerable.
If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.
I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.
It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night