How it started: How it’s going:
You Might Also Like
talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me
co-worker: congratulations on getting engaged, do you have a date for the wedding?
me [an idiot]: yes my fiancee.
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
Rich People Podcasts are wild.
If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.
If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.
Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp
ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit
I’m full of shit, opinions and liquor. If that’s not a recipe for a twitter addiction, I don’t know what is.
I was having a shitty Thursday. Then my ex texted me. Now I’m having a shitty Valentine’s Day as well.
god: did you give the dinosaurs more muscle like I asked
angel: wait what
god: I told you to make them meatier
angel: oh MEATier
All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.
Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.
Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.
Romeo: …arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon
*Romeo slides an envelope of money over*
Romeo: *whispers* make it look like an accident
If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.
No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity
Bagged lunch circa 1984
-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”
Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.
What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT
“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone
wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework
The CDC website had a recipe for a quarantine cocktail made with vodka. It doesn’t taste very good but goddamn it gets your hands clean.
I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.
me as a kid: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
me now as an adult: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs